Holy Water
by Impersonating-an-entity
Summary: Rated for reference to rape and abuse. TouyaXJin shonenai, JinXnameless face abusive relationship. Touya's POV. Touya wonders how Jin can allow this to happen to him, and how he missed Jin's hidden weakness.


Song fic to "Holy Water." I've never heard the song, but I found Sakurasango's fic to it and enjoyed it and decided to do my own fic with the same lyrics.

Holy Water isn't mine, nor are Touya and Jin and any other YYH stuffs.

* * *

I know in heaven, there's an angel missing its attire. I know, because, I used to look at Jin, and I'd see him with a halo. It was careless and crooked over his head, but it was so bright. I used to look at him, and I'd smile somewhere in my heart. He'd grin at me, and I'd feel warm and welcome, like I've never felt in my life.

It wasn't just me, either. I know it. He'd walk into a room, and everyone would get a little happier. He'd chatter on and everyone would listen to him, even me, even when he only talked about little, inconsequential things. Especially when he talked about little, inconsequential things.

I used to look at Jin… and I'd have to look away, because he was just so bright and beautiful. And he'd ask me what was wrong and I'd just say, "Nothing… In fact, it's perfect. Everything is perfect…" Normally, such a comment would sound sarcastic. But I wasn't sarcastic by nature, nor was Jin quick to pick up on sarcasm anyhow. And it was understood between us that I meant it.

_Somewhere there's a stolen halo_

_I used to watch her wear it well_

_Everything would shine_

_Wherever she would go_

But those days seem to be gone now. When I see him now, that crooked, careless halo is so dim, you can barely see it anymore. He still laughs and jokes, he still babbles about nothing, but it's all an act. He's a shell, like me.

His laughs are hollow. His jokes are contrived. The bounce in his step has vanished. He hardly ever even flies anymore. Before, whenever he was upset, he'd go fly for a time and come back feeling fine. Now, he doesn't even go flying – how can he get better?

No one sees the warmth in him anymore. As fewer people care to be around him, he grows more dejected. In silence, he grows more pained, and covers it with static noise that has lost heart. Someone destroyed him; someone stole something from him. And whatever they took, Jin is missing it badly. He can't stop thinking about it, it's in everything he does.

I'm not… good… at picking up on other people's feelings. But even I can see through this charade. Someone hurt you, Jin, and I think I know what he did. I know you can't stop thinking about it. I wish I could fix it, but I can't, and it will scar you forever, just as it has me. You can't think of it, Jin! You can't dwell on it! But you will. We all do. I'm so sorry.

_But lookin' at her now,_

_You'll never tell_

_Someone ran away with her innocence_

_A memory she can't get out of her head_

But it was different with you. It is different with you. I hated him, hated him so much. There was nothing to stop me. But you… You love that bastard! I can only wonder what you think, and what you feel. Only in my dreams can I even come close to how it must tear you apart.

You're religious – I don't think you have any particular creed, but you believe in a God and all of that stuff. I gave up, long ago. But you: you pray. I see you kneeling in the shrine, and I wonder what you say to your God.

I wonder what you feel, what you think, what you say to your God. Do you ask him how it happened? Do you grow angry and tell him he should have protected you better? Do you cry and beg him to fix it? Do you cry and beg him to make you better?! Don't tell me that's what you do, please don't – You were perfect before that slime did this to you. You don't need to be better; it's just that he needs to be castrated and told not to toy with people.

It makes me so angry and so pained to see you with him. One night, he's protective and loving, but controlling. He apologizes, he touches you gently, he comforts you. You smile so painfully, and bury your face in his chest and he embraces you. You're happy like that for a few days, even a week. Over that time, he becomes more and more controlling, more possessive and jealous. And then, you make a tiny slip up – you don't do what he asks right away, or you do it wrong. You're seen talking to someone else, and he throws a jealous rage.

And for another two or three days, he beats you, takes you hard and violently. He punishes you for nothing: nothing at all. And you… You think he's right. You apologize for NOTHING and you let him do this to you, Jin! How can you allow that?! The Jin I used to know would never let this happen, never! What is it that makes you stay this way? What are you praying for?!

_And I can only imagine _

_what she's feelin' when she's prayin'_

_Kneelin' at the edge of her bed._

With your eyes, you seem to beg me. I'm not sure if you mean to or not, but you look around, and in your eyes, I see a desperate plea. I see a hope for something better, for safety and warmth, and I want to help you so much!

You look in pain and I see it in you, I see it, I see it, I swear! You call me, and I try to come, but every time I try to help, he catches us, and you get in trouble with him. And then you're afraid to talk again to me, even though I see you want to.

Even when I get a chance to talk to you, you defend him. You say it's your fault, and that you just made him angry. You tell me he just is a little possessive, just has a little temper problem, just this, just that. He doesn't mean to hurt you (but I know that's only what he tells you)

You go to him in tears, and he holds you and whispers apologies. He asks you to forgive him for getting carried away. And, Like a fool, you always do. Why do you always go crawling back to him?

He holds you and tells you you're his holy, his perfect, his little Irish angel.

_And she says, take me away_

_Then take me father_

_Surround me now_

_And hold, hold, hold me_

_Like holy water_

_Holy water_

I was the one who first said that, Jin. I coined the term 'Irish Angel.' Why did it mean nothing to you when I said it, but so much now that he does? Maybe that's why you go to him. He tells you that you matter to him. He lies.

Don't you see you mean so much more to me, Jin? Don't you see that I'm the one that cares?

He took the light from you. He took away your life, took the fire in your heart. He's thrashed you to within an inch of death! Why won't you open your eyes! Has he blackened them to the point you can no longer see straight?

I didn't realize until now how much you needed someone. I didn't realize that you are every bit as insecure as I am, and maybe more. You hid it so well before. Perhaps you'd even dealt with your problems, before. You were radiant and happy. But then he came to you, and I guess he promised solutions to problems no one guessed you had.

You thought you'd find light in him, I guess, because no one else realized how you hurt. You just wanted someone to know and care. But he's not your light, and he's not going to care!

And now you're worse off than before. Jin, why didn't you tell me! You have to get away from him! I'll try, I can try to put the light back in your yes, give the life back to you, listen to you when you hurt. Let me try, Jin. I can't do worse than he does.

_She wants someone to call her angel_

_Someone to put the light back in her eyes_

_She's lookin' through the faces and unfamiliar places_

_She needs someone to hear her when she cries_

Now you're hoping, you're praying things will go back to normal. I see in your eyes that you're ready to leave behind this failure, but you don't yet realize it. I see how badly you want to go back to what you had before, but you don't know that.

Now, when he embraces you, you flinch. You shy away from his touch when you can. He gets more and more angry with you for this. The beatings are harsher, longer, and more frequent. You're beginning to realize that he doesn't care at all, even though he still says he does.

But he doesn't say it very often any more. He hasn't said you were perfect. He hasn't called you holy. He hasn't told you what an angel you are.

And now you want someone else to hold you, someone else to love you, someone else to come for you and help you get out. You can't escape on your own, not anymore. So, you're waiting for a savior to free you from your bondage.

Jin… I'm not a savior. I'm not perfect. But I have an idea of what you're going through. I know better than anyone else, and I care more about you than anyone else. So, I'm going to try. I'm going to get you through this; I'm going to get you through this, until you can find someone who's good enough for you.

_And she says, take me away_

_Then take me father_

_Surround me now_

_And hold, hold, hold me_

_Like holy water_

_Holy water_

Cautiously, I open the door to Jin's room, and he's crying, curled in the fetal position, tucked into the corner of the room on his bed. I step in quietly, and he looks up in shock and sighs almost unnoticeably. Almost. He's relieved and let down at once – I'm not who he thought he was. I'm not going to hurt him, but I'm not his false love come to play-apologize.

I crawl up on his bed and sit next to him. He's silent – which is rare for Jin. "Jin… I know… I've been beaten too, hurt and abused. I know how bad it feels. But I don't know… what it's like to love the person. You don't have to tell me. But you have to let me help you." I took his hands in mine. And made eye contact with him for a moment. He was silent, but he finally fell to sobs and tears.

He leaned against me and I embraced him softly, holding him and rubbing his back. I whispered to him softly, reassuring him as best I could. "Jin, you matter. You're so important. You're perfect and beautiful. You're so loved, Jin! But not by him. You need to understand that. He doesn't want you. He just wants someone to hurt. It's not your fault. Jin, you are so god. You're so perfect on your own. You don't need him to make you better, Jin." I muttered each phrase occasionally, sometimes repeating myself.

I told him how much he was loved more often than anything else though. He needed to know that the most – he needed to know he was important, so he could validate himself. That had been my worst problem, knowing that I was important. Miyuki said as much to me, but since she was just a projection of myself…

But now I could tell him. "I can heal the scars Jin, I can help you… I can heal them all, if you'll let me."

_Like holy water_

_She just needs a little help_

_To wash away the pain she's felt_

_She wants to feel the healin' hands_

_Of someone who understands_

And finally, he's still and quiet in my arms. "I can help you, Jin. You've got to get away from him," I murmur, holding him gently and stroking his hair softly.

After another pause, he nods. He looks up at me and sighs heavily.

"You… You're right. I kin't… kin't be doin' this anymore!" you say. In your voice I hear a touch of relief, but it's heavily tainted with fear. Your friendly, gentle accent sounds strained and painful. I pull you to me, embracing you again. I hold you gently still, but tightly – tightly enough to show that I will not let anything happen to you, and that I will help and protect you.

And you say, "Take me away, Touya, so I kin start anew'. Save me an' hold me, an' keep me safe. I kin't do it anymore, Touya. I need someone, and he isn' what I was thinkin' he was. So ye've gotta' be who I think ye'are. Ye've gotta' be who I need yeh ta' be. Ye've gotta get me outta' here…" you murmur, and your tone is so desperate and broken and hopeful that I started crying, silently.

I nod my head and say, "Yes, I'll get you out of here. I'll be anyone you want me to be, if it will get my Jin back. If it will get the real Jin back, the one I first called an Irish angel. I'll be anyone you want me to be, if the real you will come back!"

_And she says, take me away_

_Then take me father_

_Surround me now_

_And hold, hold, hold me_

_Like holy water_

_Holy water_

You're holding me so tightly now. It almost hurts – your strength isn't gone, even though he's hurt you so bad. You're amazing, Jin, you really are. "Jin. Let's go now, before he can come tell his lies and you change your mind. Let's go now before you get afraid to leave. I know what it's like to be afraid; I spent half my life afraid. I won't let him catch us, Jin!" I say, holding you tightly. I loosen slightly so we can be face to face and look you in your tired, dulled eyes.

You look terrified – I knew you would be. "I know, Jin. I know it's scary. I know you're afraid to change, even to leave this. You're just going to have to trust me. I know how hard it is to trust me: to trust anyone. But you must, just one more time. Just one more time, you have to trust, and you have to come with me. If I lay a finger on you, if I hurt you even once, no matter how small, then you can do whatever you want. Just trust me this once, Jin. I won't let you down, I swear it." I speak bravely for us both, persuasively. And I speak with a true tenderness that you can't have heard in so long.

You stare at me still, afraid, and I begin to worry that you are going to be too afraid to come. But finally, you nod. "Yes… I kin trust, yeh, Touya. I… I kin trust yeh. I've always been able ta'…"

I embrace you once again and we begin packing your things, the few things you have, since Shinobi possess little of their own. We'll leave soon. There's nothing important I need to get. "Jin, you're perfect. You don't need him to be that. You're my Irish Angel." You flinch at the nickname, which has become his: his name for you. I change it. "You don't need him to be perfect. You're my Gaelic angel."

And you look at me slowly, shyly. And then, you smile. Just a little, and I might not have noticed it if I wasn't so worried about you. But it's the first real smile you've worn in ages. And I see your halo brighten just a touch, and I smile back. I smiled more than I ever had in my life, and I knew everything was going to be all right. I would help Jin. He was hurt deeply, and it would be hard. But I could help him.

"You won't be hurt anymore – you're too good to be hurt." You smile still. It's still small and hesitant, but it's there. And it's a start, Jin. It's a really good start.

_And she says, take me away_

_Then take me father_

_Surround me now_

_And hold, hold, hold me_

_Like holy water_

_Like holy water_

_Like holy water_


End file.
